Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
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My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.