wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
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Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
mood
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something