Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.

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I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.


Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.


I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”


me: congrats on running that marathon.

her: thanks. I’m still sore.

me: because you didn’t win?



When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.


‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.


Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.


Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!

Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…

Him: Ok,enough FFS.

Me: oooo, angry!


Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”

Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?


Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.