@WilliamAder

Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.

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@Storminika

I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.

@weinerdog4life

Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.

@AngieDavisHaha

I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”

@Shade510

me: congrats on running that marathon.

her: thanks. I’m still sore.

me: because you didn’t win?

her:

@iamfacciabella

When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.

@kelkulus

Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.

@Girl15Gone

Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!

Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…

Him: Ok,enough FFS.

Me: oooo, angry!

@SCbchbum

Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”

Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?

@noog

Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.