@WilliamAder

Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.

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@RedheadChaos

If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..

I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.

@ACartoonCat

Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years

@colleen_eileen

My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life

@miffedmim

[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.

@capricecrane

Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”

@MacAnnabella

Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.

@TweetToTheVoid2

When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”

@BigJDubz

H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft

@Marlebean

Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?