Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
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Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
so i’m at the stock market right
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.