“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
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Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
calling in to work dehydrated
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ