Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
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“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.