“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
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Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.