STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“How many likes?”
“You’re a goner.”
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The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Brain: Go talk to her.
“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden