@UncleDuke1969

“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”

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@ericsshadow

STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

@HomeProbably

The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.

@UncleDuke1969

Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.

“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”

Brain: Magical!

@Benjamin4501

Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised

@JohnMayer

Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”

@Ivsy01

If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits

@JB1971_

Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.

@Sophie2078

Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.

@DudeMass

Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.

@PartyBitchKayla

advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden