Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
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ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said