Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
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Sing it!
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.