will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
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if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
They did not think through this water fountain
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
how to have an accident 101
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
The pen is writier than the sword.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.