Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
You Might Also Like
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]