Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
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ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Meow
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Rooting for the overdog
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police