Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
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Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed