Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
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I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Close call…
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!