@MannyDiesel

Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait

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@sarcasticmommy4

If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.

@sageboggs

are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]

@TheBoydP

*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?

@BoutCrazed

The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.

@electrolemon

why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2

@MatCro

[office]

DAVE: We’re having a baby

SUE: Congratulations!

ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?

@Amusitr0n

It’s freedom of expression.

Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes

@AweShadySome

Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?

Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!