will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
You Might Also Like
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
I think about this a lot
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast