“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
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[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
My dress code is business-casualty.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
I put the h in mysterious.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.