Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
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Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Steam Forums
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.