will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
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[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?