“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
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Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
I identify as an antique shop.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Friday night party time 🥳
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?