Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
You Might Also Like
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
I ate everything, including the H.