Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
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According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
I cannot call her anything else now
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?