Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
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[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.