Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
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him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Body by Oreos
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”