Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
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Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Worst Native American name ever.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
