Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
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When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
*files a restraining order against reality*
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from