Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
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Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*