windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
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Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
termite twitter scares me
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Worth remembering.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full