Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT

In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.

ME: what came first the chicken or the egg

FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you

Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.

I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.

Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?

Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?

Expectant Parent:

Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.

Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes

Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.

Well done the UK. Well done.

you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat

Me: I like sunsets

Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say

Me:

Son: you’re also very pale

Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?

Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.

Them: Do you know who you look like?

Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.

Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons

*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice

my favorite gender

HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture

CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that

got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not

INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!

*11 people die*

INDIANA JONES: this was worth it

[1st date]

HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?

ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives

Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”

Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”

Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out

I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye

I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall

11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day

PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.

I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.

How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding

website: select a security question

me: ok

website: make of first car

me: nah

website: mother’s maiden name

me: nope

website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp

me: bingo

Me: “I’m going to the gym.”

The gym:

ME: welcome to my man cave.

PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.