Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?

TYLER: Shaving cream.

MARK: Shaving cream.

ME: Pay off his student loans.

[they all look at me]

ME: I mean shave him.

Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”

Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”

Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.

Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.

Her: Oh no.

Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.

Her: You already do that.

My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”

Don’t forget to tip your server

My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.

when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.

[interrupts Pink Floyd]

“Actually, it’s AN education”

Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America

The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired

Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you

*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”

Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?

*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*

Me – Excuse me. How much is this?

Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.

Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.

*sets place on fire before paying*

Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:

“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”

Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf

I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like

*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”

I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.

It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy

drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “keith@fbi.gov”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”

[someone breaks into the house]

Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings

My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY

*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope

I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.

Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it

I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.

If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted

a god among men

Batman V Superman 2:

Both men agree their last battle was too destructive

They settle their differences by playing Uno

Loser leaves earth