@fillthevacuum *gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
@scootergonscoot windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
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@fillthevacuum 
@HollyHeals Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
@Cheeseboy22 A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
@KylePlantEmoji *car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
@TheAlexNevil Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
@Kryzazy You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
@sucittaM You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
@PhilosophyMttrs Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
@Ke7inBurke someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
@donni He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down