windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
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If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Muppet Screams
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Haha! 😂
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
How times have changed.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm