[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
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Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
*weighs self after shaving
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that