Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
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“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
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.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Oh, I bet you would be
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast