[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
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A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.