Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
You Might Also Like
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
BaD BoY!!
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?