Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
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Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Me trying to look natural in photos
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth