*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
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ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂