@Darlainky

Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.

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@PetrickSara

“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”

-my family

@JayMindX

“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”

-Humans

@Laser_Cat

Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.

@squirrel74wkgn

[dinner w/friends]

“How long you two been married?”

It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.

@fro_vo

“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”

@YasmeenMS

‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.

@LorieGZ

My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.

Then he turned to wrestling.

@TheAlexNevil

Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope