Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
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Beware of the “party goblin”…
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
this independent good boy don’t need no human
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant