@secondofhername

Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.

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@MaraWilson

I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone

I mean, who TALKS on the phone

@urfavoritejoel

Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside

@Smooheed

FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE

I yelled at my gynecologist

@jonnysun

a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion

@JermHimselfish

There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.

@PinkCamoTO

Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?

Me: As many free office supplies as possible.

@JosesLovesYou

Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”

@EJGomez

sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”