I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
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I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“no they were like faster than normal”
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂