Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
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Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
I am a gravy boat captain
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*