Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
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Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
I don’t get marriage
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
barbara was highly relatable
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
I just love that new Pope smell.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.