[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
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[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.