WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
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BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE