wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
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Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.