WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
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Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
listen closely
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there