Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
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So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Customer is always right
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.