Wish all of my viruses were this polite
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Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Sign of the day..
Tier 3 meme
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
We need more people like this.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.