wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
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I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?