@RiotGrlErin

wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.

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@Mike_Bianchi

The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.

@calluptome

Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.

@bobvulfov

NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show

@0point5twins

Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?

Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.

@topaz_kell

“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”

– my neighbor

@ch000ch

(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family

@drinksmcgee

I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.

@captaincoximus

When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework

@djdarrellripley

I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?

@mommajessiec

The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”