wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.

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friend: wish you were here!

me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really


Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….


That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”


I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.


NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers


[Watching Netflix]

ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.

HIM: What??

ME: What?


Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?

*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*

H- Are you waving at the ground?

Me-Yes to both


Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?


I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.


Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.