@RiotGrlErin
@Mike_Bianchi The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
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@Mike_Bianchi 
@calluptome Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
@bobvulfov NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
@0point5twins Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
@topaz_kell “I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
@ch000ch (getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
@drinksmcgee I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
@captaincoximus When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
@djdarrellripley I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
@mommajessiec The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”