wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.

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The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.


Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.


NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show


Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?

Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.


“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”

– my neighbor


(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family


I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.


When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework


I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?


The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”