wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
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one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Had a spot of bother earlier.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Mhm.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.