Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
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Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]