Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
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Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
New Tinder profile.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.