wish me luck lads
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And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
That’s incredible! 👌