wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!

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ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?

BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah

ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*


If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.


son: school just got canceled

me: oh shit what did it do


Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:


What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?


Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.


who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.


Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise


So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-

Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…