Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
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I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.