“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
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[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
one last job
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo