* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
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a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education